Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Happy Go Fun Time Movie Now!

I am a film fanatic.  If a movie is seen in the day, the rest of the day is spent silently holding every other flick I’ve seen up against this one to see where it hits me most.  In keeping with this, I include a kind of rude point system after the review that awards points to three categories, on a scale of 1 to 10.  These categories are:
Brain: if you need it to watch this movie, it’s probably scored above a 2.
Heart: how much the movie touches your emotional side, kids’ movies usually rule this category.
Stomach: the gore factor and violence
You’ll get it.  Each of these points is awarded with care to validly represent their categories, but should be taken as just that.  Read the written review to see if I thought it added up to a good movie. 
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So are ya’ll as confused after the end of Legion as I am?   Wow.  I expected more out of a movie featuring Paul Bettany in a main role.  Has anyone else seen Gangster No. 1?  It’s like American Psycho, but with English mobsters.  Legion was more of a Stigmata/Armageddon combo, except with very generic characters and more propaganda than you could shake a stick at.  Go on, shake that stick.  You won’t hit any answers.  I can’t even begin to list the teasers they throw in, where you hear something REALLY NEAT once and it’s then immediately drowned by their continuity artist.  Spectacular but improbable gore.  Oh! I forgot to mention: the kid from American Gothic?  Caleb?  Easily recognizable in the main male human role as a good ol’ boy, trying to take care of someone else’s baby AND save what’s left of the world at the same time.  Can he do it?  Kinda.
Brain: 2 
Heart: 4 
Stomach: 8


Then I watched Where The Wild Things Are.  I spent the whole time marveling at the faithful adaptation, and at how dirty everything was.  Most of the budget was apparently spent on dirt and the people to cover everything in dirt.  Oh yeah, and yak fur too.  This movie wins an early Emo Movie of the Year Award for the fact that it doesn’t stop pulling on your heartstrings while it pushes you away with stark contrasts and unexpected dialogue moments as hallucinogenic as any Kerouac.  Although it doesn’t sound like it from my review, I really liked this movie!  Very intricate.
Brain: 5 
Heart: 10 
Stomach: 1


Finally, I watched Boondock Saints 2: All Saints Day.  Although a little testosterone-laced, it stands out from the Spike genre (as did the original) by focusing occasionally on the conversation between characters and letting that interaction drive the movie until the next big culmination of gun-laden events.  Lightning choreography keeps you on the edge of your seat at many moments, and you can’t help but laugh at the candid cutscenes that show you how the brothers personally imagine themselves during gunfights.  All around MUST SEE, as was the original.  Aequitas VERITAS!    p.s. also marvel at Dexter’s Girlfriend playing a crazy FBI Special Agent who weaves herself into the nest Willem Dafoe vacated and hatches a beautiful egg.  And Clifton Collins, Jr. (aka Clifton Gonzales Gonzales) plants himself in a pretty main role as well, supporting the brothers as they chink away at the armor of their true enemies.
Brain: 8  
Heart: 5  
Stomach: 5


So that’s it, the first movie review segment.  I hope it helped you wade through the muck of modern media without getting too dirty. 

See you on the by!  Luv, Dags

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